I Am A Fish In Water

It's been eight weeks. I started going through Amber’s things. I was only able to get through one drawer. It is so overwhelming to know just eight weeks ago Amber ceased being with us.  Her last months here she became a big part of my life. She consumed a great deal of my time in the end.  I grew closer to her than ever before. I suppose that is a blessing, but what a rip off!  I had committed to staying home with her and the other kids more. I had big plans for 2015.  Then one morning it all came crashing down. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. That has now become a big reality for me. 

I try to understand how I came to this place of deep sadness that gives me a physical ache in my heart. How do I laugh one minute and cry the next? 

And if I don’t stay in this sadness, does that mean I have forgotten Amber, or even worse, am I ok without her?

The more I try to understand, the less peace I have.

During most nights and mornings I wake with my heart racing. Is this the moment in time she stopped breathing?

And how ‘bout the "what if’s”.

What if we got the tracheotomy?

What if I hadn’t pushed for so many meds to make her comfortable?

What if I had asked for a visiting nurse (if that were even an option)?

What if I hadn’t stayed in bed that extra half hour?

What if we didn't get the casts put on her legs at the same time?

What if I had slept in the same room with her that night?

What if I had moved her every two hours throughout the night instead of just during the day?

What if….

What if….

What if….

And then I stop thinking so much and trying to understand, because I will never understand.

I am ok. I will be ok. I am just trying to adjust to this new life. No one can ever replace Amber. There won’t be a better child that comes along. There won’t be something that takes my mind off her. She is always just one thought away.  I will always always always have this void that can’t be filled by anything or anyone.  But God can give me what I need to get through it.

God gives us what we need always. 

God gives us the peace that passes all understanding. I don’t know how in the world people do a loss without God.  I would be like a fish out of water.  But thankfully I am a fish in water, just struggling to breathe right now.

Missing her beautiful face and even more, her smell.