Two Conflicting Feelings At The Same Time

Life has just been weird lately. Weird. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, laughing or crying. Happy or sad. Good or bad. 

I miss Amber. But the peace that comes with the ache is truly amazing.  There are two conflicting “feelings” going on at the same time. (Grief/Peace) These come from a mom who lost her child. This isn’t a joke. This isn’t a lie. It’s for real. And I thank God for getting me through this time.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.—Philippians 4:7

It has been said that when your child dies that "your closest friends become strangers and strangers become your closest friends.” 

So many people have reached out to our family, and still are! It really is quite overwhelming. I am so thankful.

I truly had an amazing weekend of “God moments”.  Soon I will share more of what the future holds. God really is doing an amazing work in me and our family.  :) But guess what? It could all change in a moment. One thing I have learned is I AM NOT IN CONTROL. So I can think I know how the next day, or the next week or the next year will play out, but I truly don’t know…..and neither do you.

Did you know we will all experience someone close to us dieing on average every 10-13 years? Think about your life and see if it isn’t true already.  We prepare for so many things, but do we truly prepare for death? It is such an awkward subject and we don’t really want to think about it. We don’t want to think about losing a loved one. Don’t we do everything we can to avoid death? We pray not to die. We pray for safety. We ask God to keep us all together and not lose anyone, including ourselves. But it is going to happen to all of us and none of us know when.

But the joyous reality is that we can go to heaven for those who love and serve God. I think about that reality more than ever. I can’t wait to see Amber again!

The day Amber got her beloved cookie monster years ago. :)

I Am A Fish In Water

It's been eight weeks. I started going through Amber’s things. I was only able to get through one drawer. It is so overwhelming to know just eight weeks ago Amber ceased being with us.  Her last months here she became a big part of my life. She consumed a great deal of my time in the end.  I grew closer to her than ever before. I suppose that is a blessing, but what a rip off!  I had committed to staying home with her and the other kids more. I had big plans for 2015.  Then one morning it all came crashing down. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. That has now become a big reality for me. 

I try to understand how I came to this place of deep sadness that gives me a physical ache in my heart. How do I laugh one minute and cry the next? 

And if I don’t stay in this sadness, does that mean I have forgotten Amber, or even worse, am I ok without her?

The more I try to understand, the less peace I have.

During most nights and mornings I wake with my heart racing. Is this the moment in time she stopped breathing?

And how ‘bout the "what if’s”.

What if we got the tracheotomy?

What if I hadn’t pushed for so many meds to make her comfortable?

What if I had asked for a visiting nurse (if that were even an option)?

What if I hadn’t stayed in bed that extra half hour?

What if we didn't get the casts put on her legs at the same time?

What if I had slept in the same room with her that night?

What if I had moved her every two hours throughout the night instead of just during the day?

What if….

What if….

What if….

And then I stop thinking so much and trying to understand, because I will never understand.

I am ok. I will be ok. I am just trying to adjust to this new life. No one can ever replace Amber. There won’t be a better child that comes along. There won’t be something that takes my mind off her. She is always just one thought away.  I will always always always have this void that can’t be filled by anything or anyone.  But God can give me what I need to get through it.

God gives us what we need always. 

God gives us the peace that passes all understanding. I don’t know how in the world people do a loss without God.  I would be like a fish out of water.  But thankfully I am a fish in water, just struggling to breathe right now.

Missing her beautiful face and even more, her smell.